Where I Must Be
by Casshirek
Summary: Who is Chisa? Her life's story? Or at least, my version of it. All chapters done. ^.^ Enjoy the read..o/~
1. Question

Title: Where I Must Be  
  
Author: Casshirek  
  
Summary: Another introspective Chisa fic, leading into the suicide. First chapter. c.c Characters, and so on belong to appropriate people. Enjoy  
  
* * *  
  
But on the telephone line, I am anyone  
  
I am anything I want be,  
  
I could be a super model or Norman Mailer,  
  
And you wouldn't know the difference,  
  
On the telephone line, I am any height,  
  
I am any age I want to be,  
  
I could be a caped crusader  
  
or a space invader  
  
And you wouldn't know the difference  
  
Or would you?  
  
-- "Santa Monica", Savage Garden.  
  
You can be yourself on the Wired.  
  
You can be the person you always wanted to be, that glamorous person to which everyone flocked, that person who radiated all the charisma others longed to have. You can be the person you know is on the inside, the poet who had no voice to sing his rhymes. There are no stereotypes on the Wired. You are gauged on your abilities, on the intellect that shines through the words that glisten neon-bright on the other screen. The flesh, the imprisoning flesh, no longer matters.You are what you are, not the body you were born into.  
  
A person can be reborn on the Wired.  
  
* * *  
  
Rain glistened in argent rivulets from outside her window, a moderate shower that made ghost towns of playgrounds and homes into prisons. Chisa stared into the grey clouds with a mild expression, her lips pursed into a contemplative frown. Fingers stroked her chin, running across the pale flesh in thought even as she turned her attention back to the screen. In her mind's eye, she could see the boys in the rain. Slender, rangy adolescents that splashed carelessly through the muddy park, unaware of the gift each housed within them. They would be playing one game or another; it didn't matter which it was. They could do it.  
  
She could not.  
  
Frown dipped into something colder, her features tensing in remembrance. Years ago, she had travelled outside to play with them. Her eyes closed against the memories that played themselves out. Once more, she saw the exhuberant beginning, the sudden exhertion and the collapse. She had almost died, her mother said. How could she have been so stupid? How could she have done such a thing to herself?  
  
It was unfair.  
  
The world was unfair.  
  
The boys were the stupid ones. They were the ones who had the lowest marks, the ones who never studied or tried their best at things. But they had the power of health. Why? Why was the world so unfair? Chisa was much better than them. Her results were poor because she had nothing but depression to bouy her efforts. She could do so much better. She was better.  
  
Unfair.  
  
Lithe digits ran smoothly across the keyboard. Concerns were related with infinite care into an online journal. She was a poet, a poet of the highest caliber, a rare genius that had no outlet in the real world. Chisa smiled as she perused her own writing, pleased with the exquisite flow of green along her screen. She was one of a few, one of the rare. The world could never see that. She tapped the enter button impatiently and leaned back as her words were processed. On the other hand, the Wired appreciated her. There were people there like here, people who sympathized with her plight. They knew her worth, they knew things about her that no one in the world did.  
  
Chisa loved the Wired.  
  
On impulse, she typed a plea into a highly-populated chatroom, one of the many she frequented to connect with similar souls. It was stupid, it was sad -- but surely, someone knew what she meant? The Wired would understand. It always did.  
  
* * *  
  
SadAngel writes,  
  
How do I become a part of the Wired?  
  
* * *  
  
~Fin 


	2. Answer

Title: Where I Must Be  
  
Author: Casshirek  
  
Summary: Introspective Chisa background fic. o.o Chapter Two, this is. Chisa begins to learn the secret. Will she carry through? Well, yeah but it's a good question, nonetheless.  
  
* * *  
  
All she had to do was ...  
  
* * *  
  
The shrill beep of her computer shattered her dreams.  
  
Chisa awoke with a deep sense of resentment, her brows furrowed as she groped blindly for her glasses. Spectacles were donned and pushed up the pudgy slant of her nose. She blinked, turned and stared at the glowing monitor.  
  
She had e-mail?  
  
Echoes dimmed into the pitter-patter of rain outside her window. Distantly, she was aware of the fact it was raining. No surprise there. Clambering out of her bed, she moved towards the computer, teddybear hugged to her chest. Her heart was thundering in her ribs, striving to escape the tight confines of bone, just like how she longed to escape her life.  
  
Tentatively, Chisa opened the message and stared.  
  
"Stupid." The invitation to a birthday party was ignored and she went back to sleep, curling up amidst the blankets and the music of the storm.  
  
*beep*  
  
Chisa opened a brown eye, her gaze accusatory.  
  
*beep* -- *beepbeepbeep*  
  
She began to count the number of times. One, two, three, four -- footsteps shook the hallway outside. She should get up and close the -  
  
Silence.  
  
Spam, Chisa told herself sagaciously. Her eye began to close once more. Sleep was imperative. There was another day of idiots to meet, another day filled with stupid people who would not understand the genius that existed within her. She -  
  
*beep*  
  
- should check her e-mail?  
  
Silence.  
  
No, sleep was better.  
  
*beepbeepbeepbeep*  
  
This was getting rather strange. Chisa rose cautiously, dismissing her mother's concerned hailing with a recalcitrant answer. She slid into the chair, whirled it forward to face the monitor. Words glowed on the screen, awaiting her touch. Chisa opened the first one.  
  
-== We know how to do that. We know how you can join the Wired forever. == -  
  
Slender brows rose incredulously.  
  
-== Abandon your flesh. ==-  
  
The words were meaningless, mere characters strung together in a disjointed fashion. They were no concrete explanations, nothing that Chisa could use. Nonetheless, the impatient clicking of a button heralded a secret. The e- mails were one and the same or so it seemed, short sentences to be contained within individual packages.  
  
-==Your flesh is what inhibits you. =-  
  
-== It it was traps your talent, what makes you a fettered bird. Destroy your flesh. ==-  
  
-== Destroy your chains.==-  
  
-== There is a way to escape into the Wired. We know how to do it. ==-  
  
-== But you must trust us, Chisa. Will you trust us, your friends? Will you trust your only friends? We will not abandon you. ==-  
  
-== We can teach you what to do. ==-  
  
-== Will you let us free you? Will you let us teach you how to be a parted of the Wired? ==-  
  
Chisa cogitated for a moment on the subject, studying the unfamilar address from which the message came. Her fingers danced elegantly over the keyboard, spelling her response. Chisa had no idea how to reply or who it was that answered her query. Each message came from a different source. Chisa chose one at random.  
  
Clicked send.  
  
~Fin  
  
* * *  
  
A new moon leads me to  
  
woods of dreams and I follow.  
  
A new world waits for me;  
  
my dream, my way.  
  
-- "China Roses", Enya 


	3. Victim

Title: Where I Must Be  
  
Author: Casshirek  
  
Summary: Chapter Three. Chisa's life story, up till the bitter end. As always, copyright belong to appropriate parties and not me. Enjoy.  
  
* * *  
  
"Are you okay, mother?" Her quiet voice was modulated. However, serene tones managed to convey her concern, something reflected within chestnut brown eyes. Chisa raised a hand to her mother.  
  
"I'm fine." Pliant fingers interwinned with hers. "Now, did you eat your medicine?"  
  
"Yes, mother."  
  
She coughed again and pressed the hankerchief against her lips. Eyes, watery with pain, were tender still as they studied Chisa. The hand linked with her own tightened its grip. I will be fine - silent reassurance delivered through maternal touch. Chisa's expression tightened into a granite wall. "Now, you must remember to put on your raincoat if it starts to rain. Don't forget to not take oily food in the cafeteria or drink carbonated soda. And -- "  
  
Chisa nodded automatically, having heard the warnings a thousand times before. She could have recited them in her sleep. However, she did not allow that to be known, maintaining the blank expression as she looked up into worried brown eyes. Her mother loved her even if she didn't understand her. There were times when she wished she could simply reach out to her, cry her eyes out and explain the sorrow that festered inside her heart. But ..  
  
"Be good to your friends, okay? Don't play rough."  
  
The bus skidded to a halt outside her house. Chisa drew her jacket around her shoulders and smiled fleetingly. Tiptoeing, she pressed an uncharacteristic kiss onto her mother's head. She would have reached out had her own mother not been so depressed. The world had enough troubles. It did not need her to add towards it. And Chisa knew how to alleviate things. Surprise shone deep within her mother's eyes but she said nothing, merely gesturing towards the bus.  
  
Chisa allowed her smile to widen as she meandered out.  
  
She could make everything better.  
  
* * *  
  
"Lain?" Chisa whispered anxiously, sneaking a look at the taciturn girl.  
  
Morose adolescent did not respond, her eyes trained on the landscape as it flowed past them. Her cheek was bruised; a flower of bluish-black that drew further attention the constant melancholy which hung around the girl.  
  
Alice eclipsed her line of sight, her expression fierce. A finger was pressed against her lips as she barreled into the seat beside Chisa, a seat that was abandoned as usual. Brown eyes, brillant with worry, swiveled to regard Lain. Alice let her breath out in a quiet rush, shoulders bent in defeat.  
  
"Her sister hit her."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"They were fighting. Lain wanted to know where she was going."  
  
Chisa remained quiet.  
  
"I think it was her Navi that made that bruise."  
  
Appropriate, Chisa thought. But she remained otherwise silent.  
  
"Don't talk to her about it." Alice inclined her head towards the other girl and moved away, disappearing into the throng of whispering schoolgirls upon the vehicle.  
  
Chisa allowed her eyes to linger for a moment longer on Lain, conscious of the way the bruise spread tendrils of lighter shadow along pale flesh. Why was the world so unfair to everyone? Chisa did not know the answer to that. However, she knew the answer to something far more important.  
  
* * *  
  
"Loser!"  
  
"Four-eyed fatty!"  
  
"Come and get your bag, Tubby."  
  
"Yeah, come and get your bag. Wait, you can't! You're too fat and slow to catch your bag."  
  
Laughter rang through the overcast skies. Once more, the strong, the lucky ones, were tormenting the weak. A boy that she did not recognize, whose only fault was his excessive weight, was trying in vain to reclaim his possession. Older boys, no more familar than their victim, continued to toss the satchel between them.  
  
Chisa looked away.  
  
* * *  
  
"You can't sit with us." Elegance belonged to the young woman. It showed in her gestures, in the impeccable application of make-up and the beautiful clothes. Her lips thinned into a disdainful smirk. "You can't even buy your own lunch."  
  
The girls clustered around the table laughed, dismissing the plain student who had hoped to join the clique. Around them, the cafeteria was silent. In each and every table, a drama was playing out. Someone was falling in love, someone else was breaking their hearts over milk and cookies. Some were fighting, others were talking -- school was the adult world shrunk into bite-sized portions.  
  
The plain girl was crying now as she ran out of the cafeteria.  
  
No one cared.  
  
Chisa looked away.  
  
* * *  
  
"Why did Aaron get more marks than me? Everyone else thought my artwork was better."  
  
"Teacher gave Diana ten free marks. Why? I don't know. She just did!"  
  
"Give me your money, punk. Unless you want me to *beat* you."  
  
".. she's just pretending to be sick. Samantha can go to the nurse herself."  
  
And Chisa looked away once more.  
  
* * *  
  
Chisa was no longer alone.  
  
Chisa belonged to a group, to a clique of people. They were not those people recognized, the intellectuals or the popular, those with beauty that rivaled all others. They were a quieter pride, a silent community that lived without active knowledge of each other.  
  
They were called victims.  
  
The victims of society had no champion, no way to escape their private torments. It was the same everywhere though the cases differed. These people were often weaker, made so by the circumstances of flesh, and sometimes talents. They needed a saviour, someone to bring them out and away from a world that had no appreciation for the souls within.  
  
Chisa was going to be that.  
  
~Fin 


	4. Lost

Title: Where I Must Be  
  
Author: Casshirek  
  
Summary: Chapter Four. Chisa advances to the state of no return. Death becomes iminent. Copyrights belong to their authors. Chisa's quirks and random characters belong to me. Apologies if canon is not explicitedly maintained.  
  
* * *  
  
"She gets it from your side of the family, you know."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"The insanity, the reclusiveness. Your aunt was like that and you know it -- "  
  
"You bastard, leave me aunt out of it!"  
  
* * *  
  
[[Chat transcript begins ]]  
  
SadAngel: Are you there?  
  
We hear you.  
  
[Enormous words, limned in electric blue, manifest upon the screen below her question. They linger for but a moment, long enough to allow her to digest their content before disappearing. Chisa is no longer surprised. She has seen this so many times that it no longer frightens her. She types onwards. The hour moves closer to three a.m]  
  
SadAngel: I want to escape. You tell me I can, you have never shown me how.  
  
We have told you.  
  
SadAngel: You give me riddles!  
  
We make you think.  
  
SadAngel: There is too much to bear. I can't take it anymore. I want to escape. Do you know what happened the other day? A girl was expelled for being made pregnant by her heartless boyfriend. The boyfriend continued life as normal. I cannot do anything from here. I am chained. Release me.  
  
Abandon your flesh.  
  
SadAngel: How?  
  
[Screen blanks into midnight. At the very center, there is a tiny word too small to be intelligible. Chisa watches for a moment, trying to accertain the nature of the game. Then, the screen becomes alive once more. Similar words dot the screen, increasing in number. Their advance is initially slow but as their numbers grow, so does their speed. The screen is incandescent within moments. Chisa stared. A larger word blinks into existance over the tinier ones. The word is: ]  
  
Die.  
  
[[Chat transcript ends. ]]  
  
* * *  
  
"Where's Chisa? I haven't seen her for band practice for days now."  
  
"Oh, she probably at home."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Haven't you heard?"  
  
"Heard what?"  
  
"She's addicted to the Wired. Practically lives there, they say."  
  
~Fin 


	5. Freedom?

Title: Where I Must Be  
  
Author: Casshirek  
  
Summary: Chisa takes the plunge. Casshirek finishes the fanfic. o.o Whew.  
  
Come on baby, don't fear the Reaper  
  
Baby take my hand, don't fear the Reaper  
  
We'll be able to fly, don't fear the Reaper  
  
Baby I'm your man  
  
-- "Don't fear the Reaper", Blue Oyster Cult  
  
"What will happen to them when I go?"  
  
* * *  
  
"She has been in there for hours."  
  
The door swung open on noiseless hinges, revealing a withered husk of an adolescent. Dark circles ringed enormous brown eyes, starvation made sharp cheek bones all the more prominent. Gaunt would have been a poor word to use in describing the girl. Her hair was in a state of disarray, loose tendrils hanging in a ghostly halo around her face. What surprised her mother most were her eyes. Bright with laughter, feverish with life - they glowed as they never had.  
  
"Hi, mother." Chisa whispered shyly, brushing her lips against her startled parent's cheek as she walked out and down the stairs.  
  
Her room was spotless. The bed was made, sheets folded and creased in approved fashion. Pillows that had never seen the light of day had been discovered and piled in a tidy stack atop the mattress. A single, weathered teddy bear sat propped up against the pillows. Her shelves held books arranged in alphabetical order. The desk was polished till it gleamed. However, it was to be noted that the Navi was conspiciously missing.  
  
* * *  
  
"They're going to notice."  
  
Pause.  
  
"But I have to reassure them."  
  
She stared into the rain.  
  
"I have to prepare them for the Wired."  
  
* * *  
  
"An A+, Chisa. Well done!"  
  
Chisa smiled with humility, her eyes downcast and lips sculpted into a timid smile. Slender fingers tangled within her hair, curled around one of the white scrunchies there. Those who watched her might have noted the confidence in her stance, the way she seemed to accept her every success.  
  
Chisa had changed.  
  
* * *  
  
"Are you okay, Chisa?"  
  
"I'm fine! Why do you think I wouldn't be?"  
  
"You -- "  
  
"Samantha, I *am* fine. Trust me. I have a secret that helped me."  
  
A gasp. "Is it drugs?"  
  
"No, nothing like that. I will tell you one day."  
  
Soon.  
  
* * *  
  
Smoking did not agree with Chisa.  
  
A cough broke the tense silence. The smouldering cigarette was twirled between her fingers, embers cascading onto the ground far below. None of them, she knew, would reach the earth in their full glory - they would be mere pinpoints of charcoal then, forgetable. This was the story of her life. The breeze promised new hope as it whispered in her ear, reminding her of why she was here. A bird sang out in the distance, urging her forward.  
  
Chisa looked down.  
  
How many storeys were there? Twelve, thirteen?  
  
A slender hand, the one containing the cigarette, pulled from the railings and reached out towards the fleecy clouds above. It wasn't raining. For the first time, it wasn't raining. Sunlight peered through the grey clouds, symbolizing the end of misery. Chisa studied the emptiness below her. No one would be here just yet. Funny how they went on with life when she was up here and so alone.  
  
"Who cares?" She queried amusedly.  
  
Cigarette was dropped. Only when it became a mere speck did she look up once more, ignoring the ground in favour of the heavens. They were so close. If she reached out, she could them. All she had to do was stretch out a little further. Her small feet had little purchase on the narrow strip of concrete on which she stood. Her position was precaurious, she knew but it no longer mattered.  
  
The clouds opened directly above her. Sunshine washed down from the heavens in a cleansing flow of warmth. Chisa tiptoed. Her arm wove forward. Fingers seemed to brush against the very clouds.  
  
And then she let go.  
  
No one heard the impact. The paramedics would only arrive latter to take the broken doll to the morgue. There would be tears, questions but all would come later. For now, there was no one save the silence to mourn her departure.  
  
The skies darkened.  
  
It began to rain once more.  
  
* * *  
  
[Everywhere, on every Navi, in the middle of the night]  
  
The screen flickers alive. Words, printed in a delicate ornate script, curl along the molten blackness in lines of incandescent silver. They read:  
  
I am finally free.  
  
~Fin 


End file.
